Sometimes I think that I'm not going to make it to the end of the line, my faith wavers when I look at my circumstances; sometimes even to the extreme of thinking that I might as well go back to my old life. It seems that I was better off living in darkness since I never had so many troubles; my life certainly seemed easier then than now; but of course, that is a lie.
Then on the other side I realize that no matter how hard life seems to be right now, it cannot be compared to that of the wretch I was before; what I mean is that my life, in this very moment, is so much better than before, that it is like comparing blazing light with total darkness. I know what total darkness looks like, I have experienced it, a darkness so dark that I could not even see my fingers in front of my eyes; and I know what blazing light is, just a glance at the sun at noon gives you an idea of what I'm thinking.
Last year my ex wife tried to kill herself by taking a bunch of pills, she did this while she was staying at my daughter's home; so she ended up in a psychiatric hospital, obviously they loaded her with a bunch of drugs and released her three days later, that is when she called me crying on the phone saying that my daughters didn't want her to come back to their place. My oldest daughter was very upset with her, it was a real dramatic experience for the kids, and for her too, this is the second time my daughter has to deal with this kind of thing.
My mom had been staying with me for about three months, but she had just left to go back to Mexico City; so when my ex called me, I thought "I can't let her be in the street", she really didn't have a place to go, so I said, "don't worry, you will not end up in the street, you can stay here for a few days while you find a place to stay"; that was four months ago.
At that moment it seemed like the right thing to do, I know it was the right thing to do; Jesus' words ran through my mind, 'I was hungry and you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you did not give me anything to drink, I was homeless and you did not take me in, I was naked and you did not clothed me, in prison and you did not come to visit me....'; that is all I could think about in that moment.
The weirdest thing is that she did not ask me to come and stay here, I actually volunteered the help. Five years ago that would have been out of the question, but this time it seemed like it was the most normal thing to do, and I did it.
Two months later, my oldest daughter asked if she could move in with me, she was not making the rent, even with my other daughter helping; they were both struggling; so I said yes you can move in with me. They all moved in with me; my two daughters, and my grand kids. I bought a fold-able bed in Amazon, and they moved in on December the first.
Right before Christmas, my oldest daughter got laid off from work, and right after Christmas my youngest daughter had another surgery to remove another cyst from the only ovary she has left; she recovered from that and three days later she got strep-throat, she almost died from it; and she didn't work for about three weeks in total which made a mess of her finances. We have been barely making it, but we have made it so far, by God's grace.
Two days ago, my niece called me saying she was coming to visit, she did; her mom came with her too; it is a good thing that she could stay in a hotel, but I had to feed them yesterday just out of my hospitality instincts, and I was hungry too so what the heck, we all ate and had leftovers, I killed them today for lunch, the leftovers, that is.
The guy who does my yard work did not show up last week, and I thought it was weird, but he did come today; as soon as I heard the truck pull in to my house I started writing him a check for 25 bucks, which is how much he charges every time he comes to do the yard; as a side note, I had to stop doing the yard myself because it was causing me a lot of pain in my back, and I couldn't do it anymore, so I hired this guy, his name is Faustino Aquino, he is from Michoacan in Mexico.
Anyway, I went outside to give him the check because he had not started the work yet, and I needed to eat lunch and lay down because I couldn't sleep last night; and so I asked him if he was okay because he didn't show up last week, he said he had a heart attack last week, and he was hurting, I told him he shouldn't be working but he said he needed the money, it broke my heart; he seemed confused.
So I said, "hey my yard looks pretty good, don't do it this week, you need to rest", and I gave him the check anyway; after we talked for a while, he left and I went back to my lunch of leftovers, and my most needed nap; then as I laid down, I started thinking that I had just wasted a perfect opportunity to share the gospel with the guy; I have a tendency to rail myself about things like that; you know what I mean?
This tape runs in my brain (I say tape, but I should say 'an MP3' or something like that instead, just to keep up with technology and be cool) that goes something like this: 'what were you thinking? God sends you people so you can tell them the gospel and you waste the perfect opportunity to share His word with them; you're so self centered, only thinking about yourself and your lunch and your nap, when the guy could die tomorrow, and what if he does die? You will feel like crap for not sharing the good news man, what is wrong with you? Well, at least you gave him some money for nothing, you're a bad steward of God's money, gee, not only did you fail to evangelize him, you wasted God's resources also". I know the tape, or mp3, did not come from God, that's for sure.
Now, let's talk about getting constantly side-tracked; it is the story of my brain for the last few years, add the short term memory loss to that, and I got a sure recipe for "failing to do God's will" all the time. Do you see what kind of nightmare I have to deal with on a daily basis?
The main point, and the purpose of saying all of the above, is that God reigns over all things, and over the thoughts and the intents of the hearts of all men and women in this world; that is the conclusion at which I arrive every night, just right before I lay down to listen to John Gerstner teach on the Westminster Confession of Faith, and after I have read Calvin's Institutes. My days end up that way, every day, every night; and they all begin with pain just to remind me that I am still alive and that God is not done with me yet.
Tomorrow is my grand daughter's birthday, she is turning 12 years old; it seems like it was a few months ago when she was holding my leg in the back yard, saying: 'grampa don't go'...after smashing a few ants with a rock. She is officially a teenager now, and she is a beautiful girl for sure. I wrote her a note last night and put it in an envelope with a couple 20 dollar bills for her birthday, I had to explain that I usually forget to get birthday cards so an early note was due.
Tonight she was concentrated in making a bunch of cupcakes to bring to school for her friends, I guess she has planned a party for herself, I don't know. This girl is so smart it amazes me; she does math like a genius, she actually says she loves math, go figure, she didn't get that love from me I am sure.
That is what precipitated me to write tonight, thinking how fast time goes by, and how slowly I am dying. In all this, I worry, as I worry almost every day, about how am I going to make it when I am old and decrepit, unable to walk without assistance; so God's Holy Spirit reminds me that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
To prove that He, God, is attentive to all of my prayers, as I am writing this in my garage, I see something move in the corner of my left eye, I slowly turn my head to see a tiny sparrow, jumping and walking inside the garage, and I say out loud "where are you going little guy?" He didn't hear me, he just kept on jumping all the way to where the motorcycle sits, he turned around and he took off flying into the outside sky.
I don't think that is a coincidence at all, I have walked with Jesus long enough to know when it is that He is showing me something through His providence, it makes me want to cry for gratefulness; and He so reminds me of His own words:
Mat 6:26-34 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? (27) And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? (28) And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, (29) yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (30) But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (31) Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' (32) For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. (33) But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (34) "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
God will take care of you, He will take care of me, and He will take care of all those you pray for; God is not in need of me, or in need period, He is the Self Sufficient One, and He delights in using us just because we are in Christ, all for His sake, and nothing more; and we will make it to the very end, to the praise of the glory of His grace. Praise His Holy Name.
Have a nice day.
They, whom God has accepted in His Beloved, effectually called, and sanctified
by His Spirit, can neither totally nor finally fall away from the state of grace, but shall certainly persevere therein to the end, and be eternally saved.
The Westminster Confession of Faith, Chapter 17, Section 1. Written in 1646.
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