Sometimes I think that everything I write here in this blog is irrelevant to every one else but myself. I am a very selfish person, we all are, I even have a Facebook account that I never look at, but I have one. I have no idea what I was thinking when I opened it, but I did; I think I was thinking it would be cool to have all my family connected through there and share what happens with each other; but it ended up being a big mess. I have friends in there that I have no idea how they ended up in my friends list, some of them I don't even like very much, so I'm closing it soon. Or so I think; I can't even think clearly lately, I'm all over the map.
Same thing with this blog, at first I just wanted to write something that I could read later and see if I had changed with time, then I thought I would write to leave behind my thoughts for my kids and grand kids; then it turned into a doctrinal thing to write about; mostly because God made me a Calvinist; and I know it was God who did it because I wasn't looking to become one, until someone at church said my teaching sounded like Calvinism (which is only a misnomer for authentic classical Christianity, in fact Spurgeon said that it is the gospel and nothing more), which I had no idea what it was back then 6 years ago, I heard about Calvin before but had no clue as to what he taught his Geneva congregation in the 16th century, he was a pastor as you know.
All I could see after studying the bible for two decades was the amazing grace of God, I mean it is all over the scriptures, every where I looked I found grace, which to me is God doing something that I cannot do, and I don't even deserve it; but I saw it, and still see it every where in the bible; and I delight and exult in it.
See? I'm not even a good writer but I still write; I don't deserve to be alive, but I still am. I have about 4 or 5 incomplete posts that are just waiting for me to finish and publish them, and every time I go back to try to complete them, I just end up adding stuff to them, so they become 'too long', as if 'too long' was a sinful thing.
I started writing many years ago in notebooks, then started this blog in 2009, and that year I published 184 posts, the following year I wrote 75, then 42, then 28, 27, and this year 51 not counting this one; it is as if I am running out of things to say, and time to live.
We all are running out of time indeed; and this all makes me think again about what is important in life. If I had to choose a way to describe what really matters in life, I would have to quote Solomon's words at the end of Ecclesiastes:
Ecc. 12:8-14 Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity. (9) And moreover, because the preacher was wise, he still taught the people knowledge; yea, he gave good heed, and sought out, and set in order many proverbs. (10) The preacher sought to find out acceptable words: and that which was written was upright, even words of truth. (11) The words of the wise are as goads, and as nails fastened by the masters of assemblies, which are given from one shepherd. (12) And further, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. (13) Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. (14) For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.
That's how the book ends. That is what really matters in life, to fear God and keep His commandments, for this is our duty, Solomon says. Then I would have to add that we only have one life to live, and I don't want to waste it doing things that are of no value for eternity, but I lose focus all the time and I do things that are not important; some of them are actually harmful. I'm a mess sometimes, but I'm just a work in progress and God knows it since He is the one working.
I think that what makes this life worth living is knowing God, and having relationships with people, and then sharing that knowledge with those people and pouring my life into them, and drinking theirs into mine; that is what really matters to me today; but sometimes it is not possible for me to do it with people I would like to do it with, and then I see that even that is under God's providence and control.
I know that I am being tested, I have known this for years now; I broke my back in 2006 and I knew it was a trial of faith. I lost everything I had, literally everything I had; my marriage was over two years before that, then I lost the house, the cars, one of the bikes, all the guns, all the furniture, half of my clothes, then the job, then the medical insurance, but I have never lost hope in God, and His grace. I still have nothing of material value, all I have is God and His word, and I have His Spirit working in me to change me into what He wants. I've been hurting for years, and sometimes I think it is only going to get worse, but I still believe; my faith is actually stronger now than before.
I am in a position where I live hanging by a thread from the grace of God, and the amazing thing is that He will never let me go, what looks like a thread is an unbreakable chain made of unbreakable promises, all of them based on His character and who He is, not on what I am and what I can do, now let me tell you, that is an incredible assurance for me; that is where the peace that surpasses all understanding comes from, because I know Him, and this is only because He chose to reveal Himself to me.
I don't want to have any more regrets, so when I have loved someone, I have said it and tried to demonstrate it, and that is all I can do; whenever possible I have made amends to those I have hurt, as far as I know; and that is what I can do and no more. I have asked God for forgiveness for my past life of darkness (and of course He has forgiven me, He forgives me every day), and changed the things I have been empowered to change, and that is all I can do; the rest is in the hands of the Almighty, and I try to the best of my ability to be content with my lot in life and to be thankful for it.
God could heal all of my diseases in the blink of an eye, He could also kill me in the same lapse of time; He could make me rich the same way, or make me totally destitute; I am just a clay pot being made into a vessel of honor, and I rejoice in that; the result, or final work, will be paraded at the last day for all the universe to see, on that day there will be no shadow of a doubt that my life has been the work of God and so all the glory will go to Him, as it is fitting. There is nothing in me that could cause God to be merciful to me, it is all of His good pleasure that I am accepted in the Beloved, or as Paul says, according to the counsel of His will, and to the praise of the glory of His grace.
What makes you get up in the morning? What is the reason you still believe? Why don't I wake up in the morning not believing anymore? It is God who keeps me, as Peter says, through faith unto salvation; that is the reason I still believe every morning, and I am very thankful for that. We have an amazing God, He really is breath-taking. I hope you agree with me, and if you don't, then you have more problems than I thought.
When things happen in life that I did not expect, and which are completely outside of my control, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is the One who is actually allowing the events to happen; I believe in the total sovereignty of God over all things, in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth, and in all realms, physical and spiritual; this is an undeniable truth for me; and in fact, this is what the bible teaches, that is why I believe it to be true.
It matters not if it is human history, or personal history; I see God's hand in every thing that has happened over the centuries, and I see it in all events that are happening as I speak. Tonight I was looking at the stars again, and the bible came back into my attention, Pro 21:1-2 The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. (2) Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts. If He turns the hearts of kings like a stream of water and makes them go wherever He pleases, imagine what He actually does with every single human being; even more His children.
Is not that a fascinating thing to ponder upon? Doesn't that fill your mind and heart with awe of who He is? It does mine. What does that really mean? Think about it. He is so in control that even when it appears that we act according to our wills, we are fulfilling His will, the wicked do the same but without even knowing God, or as I think it was a Reformer who said it, the wicked and, mostly the rich, are thrown a bone to be entertained so they don't give full vent to their lust and depravity, and to keep them from harming God's children or even to bring judgment upon those under His wrath.
The fact is that if it wasn't for Him to begin with, we wouldn't even know Him; Calvin is clear in that God is not playing with men and throwing them up like balls to amuse Himself; but uses all things to display His glory. Here it is, so I don't misquote him:
"Moreover, such is the proneness of the human mind to indulge in vain subtleties, that it becomes almost impossible for those who do not see the sound and proper use of this doctrine, to avoid entangling themselves in perplexing difficulties. It will, therefore, be proper here to advert to the end which Scripture has in view in teaching that all things are divinely ordained.
And it is to be observed, first, that the Providence of God is to be considered with reference both to the past and the future; and, secondly, that in overruling all things, it works at one time with means, at another without means, and at another against means. Lastly, the design of God is to show that He takes care of the whole human race, but is especially vigilant in governing the Church, which he favours with a closer inspection.
Moreover, we must add, that although the paternal favour and beneficence, as well as the judicial severity of God, is often conspicuous in the whole course of his Providence, yet occasionally as the causes of events are concealed, the thought is apt to rise, that human affairs are whirled about by the blind impulse of Fortune, or our carnal nature inclines us to speak as if God were amusing himself by tossing men up and down like balls.
It is true, indeed, that if with sedate and quiet minds we were disposed to learn, the issue would at length make it manifest, that the counsel of God was in accordance with the highest reason, that his purpose was either to train his people to patience, correct their depraved affections, tame their wantonness, inure them to self-denial, and arouse them from torpor; or, on the other hand, to cast down the proud, defeat the craftiness of the ungodly, and frustrate all their schemes. How much soever causes may escape our notice, we must feel assured that they are deposited with him, and accordingly exclaim with David, “Many, O Lord my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered” (Psa. 40:5).
For while our adversities ought always to remind us of our sins, that the punishment may incline us to repentance, we see, moreover, how Christ declares there is something more in the secret counsel of his Father than to chastise every one as he deserves. For he says of the man who was born blind, “Neither has this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (Joh. 9:3). Here, where calamity takes precedence even of birth, our carnal sense murmurs as if God were unmerciful in thus afflicting those who have not offended. But Christ declares that, provided we had eyes clear enough, we should perceive that in this spectacle the glory of his Father is brightly displayed.
We must use modesty, not as it were compelling God to render an account, but so revering his hidden judgments as to account his will the best of all reasons. When the sky is overcast with dense clouds, and a violent tempest arises, the darkness which is presented to our eye, and the thunder which strikes our ears, and stupefies all our senses with terror, make us imagine that every thing is thrown into confusion, though in the firmament itself all continues quiet and serene. In the same way, when the tumultuous aspect of human affairs unfits us for judging, we should still hold, that God, in the pure light of his justice and wisdom, keeps all these commotions in due subordination, and conducts them to their proper end.
And certainly in this matter many display monstrous infatuation, presuming to subject the works of God to their calculation, and discuss his secret counsels, as well as to pass a precipitate judgement on things unknown, and that with greater license than on the doings of mortal men. What can be more preposterous than to show modesty toward our equals, and choose rather to suspend our judgement than incur the blame of rashness, while we petulantly insult the hidden judgements of God, judgements which it becomes us to look up to and revere." John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion. Book 1, chapter 17, section 1.
It all leaves me speechless. Why do I think about this and ponder it often? Because if I don't I would be shaken to ruin. When I think about my daughter discovering, once again, and for the third time, that her husband has been just playing with her, being unfaithful, and now after 11 years, is walking away from his family for the sake of having fun and living in sin; my only consolation is that God rules even over his wicked heart, and that He will be glorified through it all; the words of Paul from Romans run through my brain, 'do not seek to repay evil for evil but instead give place to wrath, for it is God who said 'vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the LORD'". And He will surely do.
I gave place to wrath, and for his sake (my soon to be ex-son in law) I am grateful that God is not like me, otherwise he would be toast already. At the same time, I am also grateful that the Lord didn't toast me when I sinned against Him, but has instead rescued me from the pit of destruction that this young man is jumping into. It all breaks my heart and I can't stop thinking about it, and about my grand kids; these poor children really deserve better than that, and I say that because they are my grand kids, but no child deserves to have a father like that; it is disgusting.
So after all of the words above, now I come to you with a request, yeah, you who are reading this: pray for my daughter and my grand kids, pray that God will shield their innocent hearts and not let them get bitter later on, pray that my daughter's broken heart will be healed and that she would be able to forgive him, and pray for me, that I also forgive him, because right now I don't feel very forgiving, you might be able to imagine what I feel like doing, I'm not going to say it because it would sound very unkind.
On that day during Passion week, in that upper room with His disciples, Jesus made a promise to them, and to me and you: "in this world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world"; later on Paul said that we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us, and John then asks "who is he that overcomes the world but he that believes that Jesus is the Son of God? So we are over-comers of all trials and all tribulations, and the world itself, I just need a little reminder once in a while so I don't lose perspective.
So what matters? One thing is clear, death is coming my way, and I don't know when that will happen, but I trust that I shall see my Savior when I awake in His likeness, one of these days.
Have a nice day, or night, just have a nice one.
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