No picture today, maybe next time.
God has a very peculiar way to recall my attention to His awesomeness, without a doubt He is the most mysterious and marvelous person I know, no one can even be worthy to be compared to Him, that is a fact of my existence and one of the assurances of my faith.
These past few months have been some of the hardest times of my life, I think, and I say this not because of the unrelenting pain in my body, or the emotional distress that I sometimes experience nor the heartbreak of watching those whom I love suffer, including my friends, but because of the testing of my faith and patience that He has put me through. In a way, all of the above is just that in the end, the testing and purifying of my faith.
My youngest daughter continues to have health problems and she was in the ER just a few days ago; my mother was sick for about three weeks and she is still recovering, being 84 does not help at all; I was sick for almost two weeks, I barely sleep at night sometimes, and on top, I literally had 20 dollars left right before I got my monthly check. I barely read the word of God last month, in fact, since my mom arrived, I haven't read it very much, which is a contradiction and a paradox since she also loves the word, I should be reading the word with her. I probably don't make much sense right now, sometimes I seem to not make any sense at all.
Just 4 months ago I was all excited about building guitar amplifiers with a friend of mine, I bought an electronics bench, I bought equipment and tools, and a bunch of books; and right now all of those things are just there gathering dust; I lost all interest in doing that business, I don't think it will ever happen to be honest, the first one I built has not even been sold. Everytime I set my mind to do something, the issue is always the lack of money to do it, and sometimes the lack of well being; sometimes something else comes up that robs me of all my enthusiasm. Now I'm planning to move out of this state, I want to go to Idaho, but as I always say, I make plans and God has His own for me, so who knows what will happen, all I know is that I have to do something because this insurance money is not going to last forever.
Am I depressing you? I hope not; I wish not. My point is that this life is so vain sometimes, at least it seems to be that way, vanity of vanities, said the preacher; but I don't think he was right in some respects. It is not vain to serve God and His people, it is not in vain to love those who are not lovable in my eyes, it is not in vain to deny myself of the pleasures of this world for the sake of gaining Christ; from the heavenly perspective, my life is not in vain, it counts for something, and it counts in big ways that I can't even imagine; I am sure that one day I will see clearly; but all I really want is to hear those words from my Master, 'well done my good and faithful servant'.
There is this brother at church whom I couldn't stand when I first met him a long time ago; he seemed so prideful and arrogant, he actually sounded despising when I met him, he really turned me off by the way he said whatever he said back then; he was going to another church so I didn't see him for years; then I started going to church where he was going to church, and I still didn't like him at all, even two years ago I didn't want to be around him. (How is that for random? Don't fret, I will make sense eventually, I hope.)
Fast forward to the present day, now I have to serve this brother, in the ministry I am serving, it is my duty to serve him; and that is exactly how it felt, like a duty. There was no love on my part, I was just trying to tolerate his personality; at the end of the day, I always felt convicted and I always repented and cried out to God for help; "what's wrong with me?", "why am I so impatient, and irritated by people?", what made it worse is that this guy started reaching out to me out of the blue, which I attributed to his wanting to be accepted, but to make it worse he started complimenting me often, saying things like "I really enjoy the way you pray" and "thank you for your help", and so forth; of course all this just made me feel worse; "God, what is my problem? I have a hard heart".
About two or three weeks ago, someone threw a stop sign through the windshield of his car during the night, and he came to church all bummed out, his countenance really showed distress; it turns out that this is the third time this happens, I guess he lives in a not very good neighborhood, who knows; but it really made me sad, I actually felt his pain, (and I know that was not me), then I volunteered to help him with the last 40 dollars I had in my wallet, (I'm not boasting, I'm making a point that it was not me either), he kindly refused to take my money, but my point is that my heart just changed from one day to the other; and this amazed me because I knew it was God at work in me to love this guy; later on I realized this is one of the reasons God wants me to go to that particular church, because I need heart work.
While I was taking a nap today, he texted me asking about my daughter, since I didn't respond, he actually called and left a message; so I texted back later to tell him how she is doing and to thank him for the call, and he responded with these words: "you are one of my favorite brothers"; dude really? Strangely, I was filled with joy, I felt my heart getting soft, seriously. This is a guy whom I couldn't even stand to be in his presence not very long ago, now he is blessing me, and he doesn't even know it. See, no one ever calls me, except my best friend; and no one has ever said anything like that to me, ever; not that is very special but it is in a narcissistic way. That is a very nice compliment if you ask me, all I could say was "thanks man, I appreciate that".
I guess we all play favorites with people, right? We like to be with those who think the way we think, and like the things we like; that is why we like some people more than others, even though sometimes I don't really like anyone at all, not even myself, but that is the nature of the human heart, isn't it? Of course I am talking about believers, not about those who oppose anything related to God or godliness in general.
Even God has favorites, in His Son He is very well pleased, not so much in anybody else, unless that person is in Christ, then it is another matter, but only because of Jesus and no one else. There is this very strange thing (from this world's point of view) that happens with real Christians, John says it like this: 1Jn 3:13-16 Do not be surprised, brethren, if the world hates you. (14) We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death. (15) Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer; and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (16) We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
Is disliking someone equal to hating? You tell me. Disliking a brother for whatever cause, even for an offense against me, is a degree of hate, is it not? I don't like brussel sprouts, I hate the smell of them; I don't like that person, I hate the way he speaks, it bothers me and my sensibilities. If you are angry with your brother in your heart, is not that the same as murder according to Jesus? I can be angry at a brother for any cause, but if I am offended I am supposed to go to that person and set matters straight, that is what Jesus said to do; but instead I get a hard heart, I hold a grudge, and so I disobey Christ because I don't do what He says I should do; and that hardness needs to be broken and be made soft; and if I don't do anything about it, then God will do it, He is a heart specialist as far as I know.
I always thought that women were prone to hold grudges, and I still think that; many times I have said things that they didn't like and I hear them repeat them back to me years later; in the past almost nothing bothered me, and now a lot of things do, and I feel like a woman sometimes, I remember things people have done or said and I get angry, and I even start cursing; man, what a drag. I will probably be misinterpreted by saying the above, but oh well, no one reads this blog anyway, it is too long (see what I mean?).
I am sure that I am not the only one who goes through this kind of a thing; the worse thing about grudges is that they are very much like cancer, if you don't cut it off it just keeps on growing; The Lord is, like I said, a heart specialist; He comes in with the knife and starts cutting the hardness away until He is done with it, and the thing is that He does not use anesthesia, when the Master Surgeon goes to work it hurts, at least that is my experience; and I guess I need I need a lot of surgeries because I am hurting in some way or another all the time.
Of course I know what the word of God says, I have been made a new creature, I have been given a new heart, I have been washed clean, I have been justified and I am being sanctified; but I still have this old nature clinging to me like a dead man with worms; I stinketh, but the heavenly reality is a different picture, thank God.
When I read the scriptures regarding trials, that is what I see, in fact Peter says to not be surprised at my fiery trials as if a strange thing is happening to me; which is another way to say that trials are the norm in this Christian walk; man, just being alive in this world is a total trial for me. Now, is not that I am used to the pain of it all, it is just that the pain is deeper; my sins seem more sinful than before; my repentance seems more penitent than before, my grief over my shortcomings is more intense than before, and God seems more and more appealing and more glorious than ever before.
With all my character defects and shortcomings, I am accepted in The Beloved; which has to be tested and demonstrated in that contact patch between the rubber and the road; so that is the comfort of this life for me, and this is because I know I am in Christ; otherwise I would not even care about everything I have said up to this point.
Have a nice day, even if I didn't make sense at the end.
http://makariotes.blogspot.com
