The peace of crying...

I can't remember how many times I have felt forsaken, trashed, depressed and even destitute; during those times I felt that even my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling, they have been times of darkness and affliction, of crying out for mercy.  I have felt like the whole world was against me, with no where to go for refuge.  Do you know what I mean?  Of course you do.

Yesterday was one of those days.  I couldn't sleep the night before, the pain did not relent no matter what I did; it goes something like this: I wake up, or kinda wake up, and I feel like a zombie, I can barely get out of bed and walk, I can't see clearly, my body will not cooperate with my mental demands for action, I sit there for at least an hour, cringing, nauseated, sick, in painful agony; I feel totally humbled under God's hand.  I don't feel like reading my bible, I feel defeated.  To make things worse, I have no control over my thoughts, my head races away with memories of all the bad things that have ever happened to me; the betrayals, people lying to me, even my own friends; I hear the offenses, I hear the lies, I feel the pain and the rejection; what makes it even worse is that I remember the things I used to do, some of them to other people, and the things I have said to different people.

Later on after the medicines have started circulating through my veins, I remember that Jesus promised 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'; and I look at reality and it is true; I have a place to live, I have food, I have clothes, and shoes, hot running water, a nice bed with warm blankets, I even have a heater, people who love me, and on and on it goes, the list of blessings is very long.  I just had another birthday on the 24th of last month, which I seldom celebrate, time is flying and I am closer to being with my King than ever before.  That's reality.

How long oh Lord, asked the psalm writer, how long will you delay?  I think about Jesus and it really doesn't matter how long I have to live this way; one day I will wake up in His presence, and my joy will be fulfilled, and I can't wait for that day to come, my day of redemption, a day in which He will change this miserable body into one in His glorious likeness, on that day He will wipe all the tears from my eyes, and I will never remember my sins again.

I have always been a very emotional creature, I am an emotionally reasonable man, I think; but lately it seems that I am even more so, and it is totally out of my control.  My youngest daughter was telling me about her boyfriend's family, he has a brother with cerebral palsy, he is bound to a wheelchair, and lives as a vegetable; his parents sleep in the living room with him because they don't want to lose sight of him; as she was telling me this, I was overcome with an awful sadness, I started weeping, and the more I thought about it the more I sobbed; I couldn't stop crying; I felt compassion for these people whom I don't even know; and I thought 'something is wrong with me'; but Eutychus is right, there is nothing wrong with God touching my heart and giving me compassion for their suffering.

Long ago, maybe 20 years or more, I was driving through Euclid Avenue as I was making my way back to the shop, I was a carpet cleaner back then, I stopped at a red light somewhere near the freeway; as I was waiting for the green I looked around me and saw all these people walking, going about their business; and as I looked, a wave of compassion came over me; I could clearly see some of those people ending in hell; it was the weirdest thing, or at least I thought it was weird; and the same thing happened, I started weeping and I couldn't stop crying, so I ended at church, sitting on the sidewalk outside; then the worship leader came out and sat by my side and prayed for me and with me; I will never forget that.  These are the only two times in my life when I have felt this way, and I wonder if that is how God feels; in fact the bible says that God finds no pleasure in the death of the wicked.

God is a God of compassion, He showers His grace even on all those who hate Him; He gives them life and the very breath they use to curse Him, and He still gives them life, and they all can enjoy this world with its beauty; they fall in love, they have children, they enjoy a beautiful sunset or a starry night, some are even very successful in this world; but He gets ignored by them; He is not at all in their thoughts.

Even those who call themselves Christians sometimes live in a pathetic world of self centeredness; everything revolves around their little worlds and their desires, some receive from God an abundance and instead of being grateful all they do is complain that things don't go their miserable way; exactly like I do sometimes, but this is not surprising to me at all; the depravity of the human heart is immeasurable, and its depths unfathomable and only God really knows what is in man; this is the very reason why Jesus did not commit Himself to anyone according to John 2:24-25  But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men,  (25)  And needed not that any should testify of man: for he knew what was in man.

Even still, He has compassion on everyone, and especially for those who love Him; notice I said 'has compassion', not 'loves everyone'; and I say this because my bible says that God is angry with the wicked everyday, I'll let you find that one on your own.

Anyway, God has blessed me with a good family and with good friends; I might be in pain all the time, and life might seem grim many times, but I have it easy compared to some of my brothers and sisters around the world, whom are being hated and persecuted at this very moment, some are perhaps even dying as I type these words; I often think about them and pray for them; the time is coming in which we will be persecuted in the same way; it is in the horizon.

Benjamin Netanyahu was here a few days ago, and he reminded every one that they, the Jewish people, are still hated just as much as they were in the times of queen Esther; did you see or hear his speech?  Towards the end he refers to Moses, "who is overlooking this august chamber" he said, pointing to the image of Moses engraved right on the wall of congress; dang, what a way to remind the world of who is really in charge; if you know what I am talking about.

I know you are busy, maybe even suffering in a way I don't even suspect; so I won't rob you of your precious time anymore, you can get back to whatever you were doing before you started reading this, but remember that God will never leave you nor forsake you, at least if you are one of His kids.
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I wrote all of the above at the beginning of this month and I never finished writing it, nor published it, so I will today, which is Thursday March 26; and which is coming to an end;  in about one hour a new day will begin, and it will be another demonstration of God's grace for me.

I do remember the days 25 years ago when I was sunk in darkness, and then I was taken out of that darkness and given a new life, I was given eyes to see, and ears to hear; right after I was gotten hold of by Jesus, I read my bible for at least 8 hours per day; I went to my "business", got in my office and locked the door, and I read the bible non stop, ate lunch, and got back to it; this went on for months, I read the bible at least one time all the way from the beginning to the end; and then I read the new testament several times, I couldn't get enough of it.

I wasn't studying it, I was just reading it, and thinking about it, and reading it and thinking it; I had it in front of my eyes all day, either in physical form or in my memory; to top it off I went to church every time there was a service or bible study, or home fellowship or a meeting, the only day I didn't go anywhere was Saturday.  It was during that time that I memorized Psalm 1, Psalm 23, and a ton of other verses, and they are still in my memory, some of those I cannot say the verse number but I know where it is and what it says, most of them are verses of the bible that were applicable to my current life situation and my desire to stay clean and sober; that is all I wanted, to stay clean and sober.

I look back and I see the many times God intervened on my behalf, even when I was in darkness, and I recall some events that were nothing short of miraculous; even at the time they happened, some of them I considered to be miracles, like going all the way to Corona and back to San Diego on three quarters of a tank; that might not seem like a miracle but when the vehicle in question is a Jeep Grand Wagoneer with a 360 motor in it, it is a miracle; and it is a miracle because I used to fill that tank every three days and I was only going to Miramar road to work.  Maybe I am self deceived into believing this, so be it, I'm not lying though.

Many things that I consider to be ordinary are nothing but small miracles, like having a dream about being in a white-light-filled-place with billions of people dressed in white robes, all of us lifting our hands up and singing an amazing song that I was still singing after I woke up; or laying on my bed in a fetal position, tears flowing down my face, not feeling the bed or my body, like being suspended in mid air, and in perfect peace with an awesome sense of God's presence, and all I could think was 'thank you Jesus'; or flying off the road on my motorcycle down into a ravine filled with trees and rocks, going through a barbed wire fence, hitting a tree with my head, and then feeling like somebody gently placed me on the ground, and I did not have a scratch on my body after that.  The greatest of all these tiny miracles just happened a couple of hours ago, I read my bible when I was having dinner, which is two miracles in one, reading the bible is one, the other one is having dinner, I haven't worked in 9 years and I still have dinner; but I won't take it that far, I'm alive and breathing right now, and that is a miracle; I should have died a long time ago.

If reading the word of God is not a miracle to you, it is what it is, but it is for me because my flesh has no desire to do that, my mind totally opposes the thought of even looking at it, it's true.  The miracle of reading becomes the miracle of understanding, and of my spirit bearing witness that this book is indeed the word of The Living God, and I hear His voice in it.

Then I have these crying episodes that make me think that something is really wrong with my brain, the last one was triggered by my own words; and I really think hard about this and I am puzzled; I start asking myself all kinds of questions, am I just depressed?  Is this just loneliness?  Do I have some kind of hormonal imbalance?  Is it male menopause?  Am I losing my mind?  Am I going crazy?  Maybe it's the pain meds? Maybe all of the above?  It is kind of scary because I cannot control it, I just can't, taking deep breaths and drinking water and trying to stop just makes it worse, it worries me; and it worries me because I have never experienced anything like it.

Then on the other hand I think that if God is in control of all things, even the things I cannot control, mostly those, then I feel better, and the worry starts going away.  I just can't put the finger on the cause of this strange thing; maybe is because I'm alone 24 hours a day, maybe I need to get out of the house, maybe this, maybe that, maybe it really doesn't matter, maybe no one cares, I'm sure no one does except God; maybe I need prayer, maybe I'm just a coward, maybe I'm just afraid of the boogey man.

What is stranger than crying, is that I do feel better after it goes away; I feel at peace.  It is almost like a pressure relief valve that pops off and then everything goes back to normal, if I can call my life normal.  Maybe it is a blessing that it is happening, because when I'm going through it I see my own fallenness, I see my sinfulness, I get a glimpse of how holy God really is and how far I am from that standard, and how much I really need Jesus Christ and His perfect life, death and resurrection.

Sometimes I cry over my children and my grand kids; I sit there on a chair, a paper towel in my hand, and I beg for God's mercy upon them; I cry over my friends and their family members who are not saved, I implore for God to relieve their pain, their suffering; I cry over my family, my mom, my brothers, and nephews, and nieces, I just cry and cry; and then like I said, I always come down to God's sovereignty, His providence, His grace and mercy, His promises that never fail; and then I feel at peace, which is a good thing, but the whole exercise is not fun at all; I have no idea why I feel so pained in my soul, why I lose it like that.  It is very strange, and to be honest, I don't like it at all.

I don't have to like this life, I see no command in my bible to like anything at all, and sometimes I really don't like my life and I hope it ends soon, but then it always happens, I come back to God's promises, that He will finish the work He started in me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, that I am an overcomer of this world, that He sees me in Christ seated with Him in the heavenly places, that one day my joy will be fulfilled and no one will take it from me; it always comes down to the simplest of doctrines in this book, the just shall live by faith.

I just ran out of words and have nothing more to say, maybe only ask that you pray for me after you read this; you don't have to ask me, I always pray for you, at least those who get this by email, I know who you are and I often pray for you, I seriously do; and right now I pray that God will manifest Himself to you and that you will be filled with peace in your heart, even if you don't cry for it.

Have a nice day.

http://makariotes.blogspot.com

The test for today...

John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  (35)  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

It is Sunday March 22, 2015.  My daughter was finally moved out of the Navy housing and into her own apartment, I'm blessed and thanking God for that; I praise His holy name for His provision and my friends.  I don't really want to recap everything that has happened in the last two days, but these days will permanently be engraved in my puny memory, until the very moment when I die and wake up in another place, in another reality.

My daughter's husband broke another one of his promises, like I said last time; but this time he was actually forcing an eviction on his own family; and he didn't even move his pinky to show he cared about his kids, or to prevent this from happening; I think he was actually glad they were going to be evicted, I think he is that evil.  It is impossible for a real Christian to act like that, on top of all the things he has said and done to my daughter, he adds grief to injury.

My daughter was so stressed she was going to call a moving company, she had actually scheduled them to be there on Saturday; and they would move her out for 85 dollars an hour.  I told her I could rent a truck and I could call my friends for help and plan the move, but when she called the office to find out about the eviction, they told her that if she was able to move out this weekend she would not have an eviction, and of course it would not appear in her credit report.  So on her busiest day of the week at work, without any food all day, she goes to U-Haul and rents a tiny truck without even telling me; she texted me saying she has a truck and she is on her way to her place to start moving stuff out of the apartment.

I went to get the kids from school that day, because she was moving stuff in her car to the new place, so I go meet her at the Navy housing after she called, but she doesn't have the keys to her place so we can't get in, she forgot them in her car, which is in Eastlake at the rental place.  So we go get the keys, and move everything we can.  This guy, her ex, will not open the lock in the garage so she can take some couches out and some of her stuff; so she calls the management and has them cut the lock so she can get in on Saturday.  This is when she sees her lamp and the night table this dude took out after he threw a tantrum because she wouldn't give him any money, remember I told you the story?

He took her TV, but the rest of the stuff he left in the garage, of course she doesn't have a duplicate to the lock because that is the way this guy is.  Friday when I was there, she wasn't even close to being packed and ready.  So I call to reserve a truck with a lift because she wants her washer and dryer, at this point I don't know how we are going to do this, she is on the second floor; the only thing I know is that she must be out of there, and away from this jerk, so she doesn't have to fear coming back home and finding her stuff gone; or dumped on the street, or even worse find this guy sleeping on her bed because "he pays the rent", what a joke.

I felt really bad for my dear daughter, I really did; I still do, but the way that I saw how she struggled was killing me.  Since I am not a woman I cannot even imagine what she must feel like, to be betrayed like she has been, having the pressure of having to work and take care of her children at the same time; and having to deal with the soon to be ex-husband who behaves like a child; the whole thing is very pathetic, it is really heart breaking to see the suffering a single man can cause, and that is just on the emotional level; I have to trust that things will be better for her in the future.  I pray they will be...the last few months have been nothing short of a nightmare for her and the kids, and for all of us indeed; now she is at the point where she can't even think straight from the pressure and the stress. She doesn't even know her new address.

We were rescued by God by sending real Christians to help us.  Today was an adventure, her dryer doesn't fit through the patio door where the hook ups are, so I take the frame of the door off and we bring it in, only to find out that she has a gas dryer and the place only has hook ups for an electric one, so we had to reverse the whole thing, and now the dryer is sitting on the front of the apartment.  She didn't check for the correct type of hook ups, neither did we because we assumed she did.  Then the kids are fighting, and my grand daughter is crying; after that I can't find the keys to the van, I have no idea where they are, then there is no diesel nearby so I have to hunt down a gas station where I can refill this 24 foot truck, then she gets hit on the shin by a flying skateboard, and this just keeps on going on for the rest of the day, chaos.

After we were done taking the rental truck back, I was driving with my daughter and my grand kids, and my heart was moved by the realization, yet once more, that God has  blessed me with real friends; at that moment my father's voice ran through my brain, yet one more time, "you will know who your real friends are when you have a need and they are there to help you"; so I repeated those words out loud, to which my daughter replied: "that is absolutely true".  My father experienced real need during his life and maybe heard his father say the same thing to him, maybe, I'm not sure if my grandpa ever said anything like that to him, but one thing I am sure of, my father was right, as usual.

I continued to say that every single time I needed help, my brother and best friend has helped me, even when every one else had forsaken me, he never has; in fact I don't even think I have helped him in the same way ever or as much; but the beauty of it all is the fact that this friend has never expected anything in return, ever.

That is the treasure of friendship, an amazing gift from The Lord, straight from His hand; that is what my best friend and his family represent to me; it is very much like God reaching down to the earth with His hand and then handing me a precious treasure; this is part of His amazing grace to an undeserving man like me.  I am nothing, and God still blesses me this way, on top of everything else, from my salvation to my daily bread and sustenance, it really boggles my mind, and humbles me to the point of tears. The whole day was an emotional day for me, I also think I took too much medicine but I had to.

Today I was put to the test and I am not sure I passed it at the end, I think I did, I hope I did.  Here is my best friend, who is also my brother in Christ, and of whom I am proud of, who also had to work on the weekend, who just quit smoking, and who is tired of having to deal with this world and having to deal with the ungodly, and who unselfishly labors to provide for his family, humbly walking by faith with God, and even in the midst of his own struggles, he comes and helps me to help my daughter and grandkids.  Not only does he do that, he brings his wife and his daughter (for who I am forever thankful that they are my sisters), and his son in law, to help also, on Sunday morning no less.  Then he even calls later on to make sure that everything went well and see how am I doing, he acts towards me just like a brother should act.

Then during our telephone conversation, and having the above in mind; I have the audacity to basically crap in his brain by saying something about him I shouldn't have said; he hung up on me, that is all I'm going to say about that.  My heart broke instantly; this is the first time in 25 years that I have ever had anything close to an argument with my brother, I called him back crying; yeah I was crying like a little boy; it devastated me that I could say something like that to him, mostly after he had just taken a huge burden off my shoulders; I had the deepest feeling of remorse and anguish, and repentance; I was grieved, really grieved; it seemed as if everything I had just judged in others became true in me.  I'm still regretting it.  I asked him to forgive me and I apologized.  And one more time, he shows himself gracious, and says 'you don't have to apologize'.

It was only a few hours before that, I was just talking to my grand son in the truck about love, and about how to love his sister, I was saying something like 'love is not only a feeling, it is an act, is not only saying you love someone; you demonstrate it by acting it out, you make it evident with actions, just like God did by sending His Son to die for us".

I'm wasted, totally exhausted, I'm in pain, I'm cramping, my legs are numb, and I am sure it will be worse tomorrow; but the greatest pain I feel is that of my own depravity; I see it, I feel it, it is in the very fabric of my being, I understand Paul's cry "who will deliver me from this body of death!".  This is my greatest struggle in life, the daily fight with my own heart, deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.

I see harder times coming my way, maybe sooner than I ever expected, and I pray for future grace and to be able to stand firm.  I also learned a lot today, I learned many things that I'm going to keep to myself; but a few things were really reinforced in my heart; everything I profess to believe will be tested in my own life sooner or later; and there is nothing more precious than family and real friends; in this is God glorified.

Have a nice day.

http://makariotes.blogspot.com

What's happeniiiing...

Disconnected.  That is how I feel sometimes.  It is an amazing thing to me to think that God is in control of all things even when everything seems like chaos; my brain and my mind are so small that I can't even imagine to begin to understand God's sovereignty; but one thing is for sure, I trust God with all of my heart, which is a very deficient level of trusting; but it is all the trust that exists in me.

My daughter's husband has been cheating on her for years, and now he wants a divorce (I say now but it has been two years already since he first mentioned the word, that is why my daughter went to school and got a job), and he is still cheating on her because they are still married; he is playing the adulterer with a woman who is married and has kids, another adulterer of the same kind as him.  It is a long story that I am not going to repeat here, but the guy is getting crazier.  Two nights ago he asked my daughter for money and since she didn't give him any, he refused to leave, (he had already moved out six months ago); so she called the cops, and the neighbor called the Navy command office, so he left; of course he scared the kids.

Yes, you have read that correctly, he is asking her for money; he quit his job; now he is on unemployment; can you believe that?  What is this guy thinking?  One thing for sure, he is not thinking about the kids at all but only about himself and living his fantasy, I really doubt he is a real Christian; he can scream and turn blue in the face affirming that he is one, but his actions deny his words; that is how we can tell who is really a Christian or not.  Is not about reading the bible, or going to church, or doing good to the homeless; it is all about how we live our lives.  We can say that we believe, but even demons believe, says James, and they shudder.

Today, while my daughter was at work and the kids at school, he went to the house and took her TV, and her dresser, her night stand and lamps, and made a mess of her bedroom, throwing the kids puzzle on the floor, etc.  My daughter couldn't believe it.  See, he promised that he would move her and the kids out of the Navy housing where they live (he quit the Navy! Read that as 'moron'), so they cannot live there anymore; my daughter has found an apartment already but he hasn't moved her out, that's why he has a key to the place.

My daughter has not filed for divorce because he said he would do it, but here we are six months later and the time has come to make good on another one of his lame promises, but of course he has not done anything.  What I expect is going to happen tomorrow when she is going to work, is something similar as today, and I am asking God to intervene for the sake of the kids.

After 12 years of marriage and two beautiful kids and a beautiful and faithful wife, he is walking away to fulfill the desires of the flesh; I have seen this before, it sounds familiar right?  Mine was only 22 years, so she did better than me, I guess.  Can you believe it's been 10 years since I got divorced? Or I should say, she divorced me?  Time really flies, I have only been with one woman after that, believe it or not.  I'm not boasting, it is sad in a sense, but I'm not going to get into it.

This is the whole point of my writing this time; I have to spiritualize everything right?  I have to find the good in the midst of the wreckage or I will start to get bitter; as it is I can't stand the guy, in fact I haven't seen him in two years; of course I heard he is going to The Rock church, I think I will stop right there and leave the rest to your intelligence.

The good is always very good, even in the middle of really bad things happening; The Lord reigns indeed.  My daughter and my grand kids are going to church with me; she is reading her bible and praying, and the kids are liking the classes; so this is a very good thing; then in (or on?) the other hand I feel closer to my daughters than ever before, or at least as close as we were when they were little; my youngest moved out of my place to go live with her sister and the kids to help her out with the rent, yeah really, she already moved out, so it is kind of lonely around here but she left the dog so I guess it is a good thing, I like Coupe.

My awesome King has drawn me and my daughter to Himself once again, and I really enjoy that, it really brings me joy to go to church with them, and I see it was the hand of God.  I look as far back as I can remember and I see the hand of God clearly displayed even in my years of total darkness; and now I keep on being tested and my faith keeps on getting stronger, I can surely say that, my faith is stronger than it ever has been, and that can only be the work of God, I see no other explanation.

What is there to do?  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication, and thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is any virtue, if there is anything worthy of praise, meditate on these things."  That is all I can do sometimes, just think about how good God is to me, that also brings me joy.

I discovered long ago that the elusive joy that I always have sought, can only be found (at least for me) by exertion in thinking and meditating on what God says to think and meditate on.  It is a no brainer now, but what a puzzle that was before.  Think about it and I think you will agree.  The human mind is a marvelous gift from our Creator, but it is the hardest thing to control in our beings; actually we have no power to control our thinking until we are born from above, it is logical consequence of regeneration.  That is why God is so insistent on us thinking and meditating on His word, even Jesus said that man does not live on bread alone but in every word that proceeds from His mouth.

It is the word of God that is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the division of bone and marrow, and spirit and soul, and it is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart; exposing us naked in the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.

So I need prayer, please pray for me, I really don't want to lose it because I get really angry at this guy, and my daughter needs prayer because she is broken hearted, and my grand kids are also broken hearted, so they need prayer too.  I need to help her move out of that place she is in right now, and I pray that God will give me strength or supply hands; and I know He will.  He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, so I ask.

I have no idea of what is happening in your world, you might be going through a nightmare right now for all I know; or you might be enjoying the peace of God which surpasses all understanding; but I know that at one point in time we all have to go through the flames of affliction; I read my bible and it says that we should not consider it strange as if something weird is happening to us, but to consider it the work of God in our lives for the sake of His glory.  I always forget that part of the equation, I almost never consider that my pain is for His glory; sometimes I don't even see or understand how this can be, but so far He has never left me nor forsaken me, I believe what He says, it is a fact in my life.

There is always someone who is having worse problems than mine, and there is always someone who has less problems or trials; but God has a reason for my pain, and for every single tear I have ever cried; and the day is coming when I will see and know as I am seen and known; that day is coming, it is a reality of my life, and yours.  We will have to face God one day, and I am extremely grateful that I have an advocate with the Father, our Lord Jesus; anyone or anything else is just shaking ground, and shifting shadows.

Maybe tomorrow I will write something more uplifting, right now I just wanted to get this out of my chest; so thanks for reading and bearing my burden thereby.

Have a nice day.

http://makariotes.blogspot.com